The Folly of Blame

You were the fallen one I blamed

Irredeemable, offensive to my heart

A splinter in my mind, abhorrent to my eyes

Your mere existence torturing my own

Out of my need to annihilate you

To wipe my world clean of you

And thus achieve utopia

A world liberated from the memory of you

I birthed a scheme: a drastic plan

A solution final, terrible and cold

And so I summoned by my Will alone

A Portal dark and fascinating overhead

A hole in heaven, beyond which lay

Dimensions distant, utter Hell

The regions where abominations dwell

A place for all the things that never should have been

For rejects of creation, by wholesome eyes unseen

My heart I sent to lie in wait for you

The bait I set just past the threshold

Instantly it took a form grotesque

And yet my machination held, I would not yield

So rigid was my Will to see this horror through

But oh! did fear and consternation strike

When, step by step, the mouth of Hell

Did swallow up my heart instead

And with each step, a path was forged

For unforgiving souls to blindly follow in my wake

And only once the realization came

As I lay gasping at the knowledge of my doom

Was all of it dissolved, another dream

To show me: I am Will, the world my mirror

And you and I shall never parted be

By knowing what perdition means

I am not fixed, nor are my debts released

But in the grace of loving kindness held

My heart can feel how liberation flows

And when the poison turns to nectar

Even monsters make their journey home

Moments, hours, eternities – and Isness – of our journey into Phi

Tyranny, rebellion, victimhood, blame,

playing our false games of power,

fearing and hating Kali the Destroyer,

marshaling our forces against Her

to stave off our impending doom,

forgetting that she is Mother Gaia herself,

even while we yearn for the End of War

and the experience of the eternal, flowing Dance of Timelessness and Time,

but we have forgotten the only truth that matters:

that we know not the hour of our death,

nor will we be spared pain,

but that the deeper we dive into clear and empty Stillness,

the more we settle into Being

and the more purely, joyously, and valiantly we can shine for her

in thought, word, and deed
 
the more beautifully She reflects back at us

what the unified Will of Love has wrought!

She gives birth to form

yet form is a dream

a shape for the shapeless

a sound for the silent

which, for as long as we remain ignorant and desolate,

remains a nightmare, a living death

hunted by our fears,

haunted by our hurts;

a tragedy,

a hollow circus,

the grinding wheel of karma,

a puppet show;

a drama of duality,

a game,

a school,

a stage play;

a healing opportunity

and an ever-present Now,

blessing and blessed, through and through.

Illuminating shadows, facing fears

expressing freely

nothing to gain or lose

except for Soul, the one thing at stake;

expressing will

passion aflame (fire of the gods)

Knowledge revealed

finding Courage and Steadfastness

Patience and Humility;

Reconciliation,

witnessing the Miracle;

Balance and Peace;

Gratitude,

Surrender;

Yes to the Yes (to the no to the maybe);

Levity, Liberation, Release;

tears of Joy and Gladness,

Nakedness,

Connection,

nothing on the agenda but Love

inspiring us to kinship, cooperation, community, compassion, equality, respect for nature, giving our very best,

working together to manifest a new and bolder vision of reality,

one responsive to our true desires,

an adventure into the unknown,

a collective fractal work of art

forever coming, forever going,

existing Now.

Epica – In All Conscience

Today I want to share a song that has touched me deeply. Its emotional resonance for myself comes from my experience breaking up with my wife. Some of the lyrics don’t necessarily relate to that, but many of these words have impacted me powerfully.

Can you imagine feeling and knowing a love so full and perfect and timeless and pure – the stuff of heaven – expressed directly from the heart of a person with whom you’ve shared intense years of trial and tribulation, to whom you’ve wanted to commit your all, someone who actually needs a good, strong, wise person by their side to defend and help them. . . only once you’ve become aware that your marriage with them has been built on sand, is hopelessly dysfunctional, and is keeping you from your own true path?

The freeing revelation has been that that love is not just with that one person: it is behind, inside, and around everything. It is the stuff of life itself! It doesn’t bind you to that particular person or to any set path. And it doesn’t make the pain and sorrow go away. It allows you to embrace the pain, to embrace yourself within the experience of the pain, just being there, present, for as long as the pain wants to express. It allows clear sight, forgiveness, acceptance, letting go.

I am learning to listen to myself – to feel what my body is telling me – and to be honest. I want all of my relationships to be balanced and free. I want to go through life with a light touch, no twists, no baggage, no holding back. I want to give myself permission to feel every twinge and torrent of sorrow, regret, injustice, unfairness, outrage, and anguish. I want to feel connected to life. I want peace.

(For every statement beginning with “I want,” take away the “I” – that’s ego – and “want” – that’s desire – and you’re left with the thing itself. Yay Zen aphorisms!)

(Embedding is disabled on these videos, so I’ve hotlinked them for you below.)

Enjoy!

EPICA – In All Conscience (audio only)

EPICA – In All Conscience (EPIC METAL FEST Aftermovie)

 EPICA – In All Conscience (Acoustic Version)

The Quantum Enigma – Bonus Track

Allow me to write my final words
I can’t stand this anymore
Hold me when the time has come

’Cause I don’t want to be alone

In my heart you’re still here, it’s the bond that we share
I can feel you’re around everywhere
Even though you are gone our spirit is strong
We’re honoring all the work that you’ve done

When there’s no chance for a defense
I’ll have to bend and give it all

(Each angle will give a new view)
All that I’ve been standing for
Was an illusion after all

(As both sides should always be heard)

In my heart you’re still here, it’s the bond that we share
I can feel you’re around everywhere
Even though you are gone our spirit is strong
We're honoring all the work that you’ve done

I’ll see you somewhere again
Away from all the insanity
We can’t beat injustice now and for all
I’ll see you somewhere again
Away from humanity
We can’t beat unfairness now all alone

Even though you are gone our spirit is strong
I felt you all around alone
In my heart you’re still here, it’s the wound that we share
I can feel you’re around everywhere
Even though you are gone our spirit is strong
We’re honoring all the work that you’ve done

I’ll see you somewhere again
Away from all the insanity
We can’t beat injustice now and for all
I’ll see you somewhere again
Away from humanity
We can’t beat unfairness now all alone.

False Personal Crusades: An Ego-Driven Diversion from the Real Work

A little over four years ago, I allowed myself to be sucked into a false agenda of acting in a personal saviorship role to my current, soon-to-be-former wife.

The hook was very appealing to my scheming monkey mind. I could put off assuming personal responsibility for my own affairs, for my own psychological healing and well-being, under the compelling pretence of helping someone else who was in a far worse predicament than I was. My sense of morality, of the virtuousness of helping others, was co-opted through the weakness of an egotistical pride that fed on the idea of being a martyr for a superficially noble, yet ultimately hopeless cause that would supposedly earn me my glorious place on the loftier end of an imagined totem pole of do-gooders. As my wife so perceptively pointed out many times, I was trying to “polish my halo” and “buy my way into heaven” through self-abnegation and suffering. As it turns out, the only thing that that suffering did for me was to teach me the lesson of taking care of myself first before taking on the problems of the world or any other person.

I am now a shell of who I was four years ago, energetically speaking. The cognitive dissonance of being on the disempowering power trip of trying to assume control of another person’s journey to well-being—against her own will—was one of the factors that took its toll on my energy system over the ensuing four years. The crazy dramas and power struggles we’ve had are another. Not to mention the stress of associating mostly with people who had little respect for personal boundaries, who were stuck in self-defeating thought patterns and behaviors, and who acted out their intuitive distrust of my motives in countless sabotaging ways. I isolated myself from those who could truly act as partners and catalysts for positive change in favor of constant firefighting and busywork on the home front.

The end result was inevitable: burnout and disillusionment. The good news is that I’ve now exhausted that excuse for not committing to the real work. I have so much to do. I don’t know how much of it will manifest in blog postings here, but given my proclivity for writing, some portion of it most likely will.

There’s no denying that some real good has resulted from my misguided efforts to do good. Some beautiful moments were enjoyed. Many valuable insights were gained. But whatever good has come of it all has come from behind the veil of separation, in spite of my egotistical motives and tendencies, from the wellspring of life and love that no man can lay claim to for himself alone.

And so it is that I embark on my own journey as an individual. The bitter tears of disillusionment and release have been shed and the last remaining sentimental ties severed. All that remains for me here is to do what I can for a transition of caretaking responsibility that will ensure my wife’s safety and well-being on a basic level in future. Following that, I make my exit as gracefully as I can.

In addition to the warnings, observations, and advice of loved ones, I have had the benefit of many enlightening messages and resources on relationship dynamics that have helped me get to this point. If the topic interests you, or if you suspect you may be trapped in a similar entanglement, look up “victim-perpetrator-rescuer triangle.” We all have to discern, choose, and find our own way, but so much suffering can be avoided by learning about the ways we trip ourselves up and perpetuate destructive patterns in relationship. No one wants to end something they’ve invested their entire life in, based their whole identity on. But when all the signs point to that something being a hindrance rather than a help to your personal well-being and sovereign self-actualization, then it pays to pay attention and be willing to drop the rationalizations that hold you back.

Love you all.

Signing off,

William

Craving an end to the nightmare...

... like a seed craves to burst forth into root and leaf. Just to breathe the free air.

Why are you telling me?

This is the wall of frustration that meets us at some point along the way. At some point, more revelation of the dirty deeds of the damned feels impotent, pathetically redundant, and our heart beats with the cadence of a terrible, implacable rage that calls out for revolution... and resolution. Yes, the peace we truly desire is deep within us, we can feel it and it sustains us. We know that the Source of us all has allowed these things to come to pass for the purpose of demonstration. But our hunger for a world free of these pestilential nuisances and demons run amok, our fervent thirst for a world safe for innocence to come out and play, will not be denied, nor sated before that world is a reality. What will it take? What are we willing to do, in real terms, for the coming into being of that world?

Everything. Let this be our cause and our commitment. Nothing less than our very all. Let us dedicate every breath, every awareness, every action to the cause of liberation. Let us use this insane illusion that impinges on our senses as the impetus for our growth into the very beings we came here to be. Beings powerful enough to wipe these miscreants off the face of the earth like the scum that they are. Beings wise enough to know, embrace and establish a way of life that will endure. Beings fully conscious of our connection to the all, of our purpose in life. Beings unattached and unencumbered, yet fully present and active. Beings of immortal essence.

In my heart, I forgive these brothers and sisters so far gone in the whirlpool of evil. Their fate is not a happy one. I do not rejoice at the harm inflicted, layer upon layer, level through level, by and through and in their hierarchy of falsehood. I do not excuse a single loveless act. I know that the One who redeems me redeems also them. I pray that as many as may be might find a way to less punishing locales on their soul’s journey, that even the demons themselves might avoid eternal torment if they can. But that is up to each individual. It is an exercise of free will to choose light over darkness. I know that there is but one Will, and relinquish all desire to criticize it. My very existence is an expression of that same Will. How shall I know its purposes? It is not my place but to be what I am, to know what I seem to know, to carry out this journey I gave to myself in the enlightened halls of eternity (and add a ‘relatively’ to both E-words there).

I do not rejoice in error. I do rejoice in the sure and sublime promise of that error’s correction, in the ending of the horror film that it wrote. I rejoice in the possibilities given to me in each moment: to choose an expanded view, to see the One that we are in the eyes of another, to give thanks for all the miraculous gifts I have been given, to free myself from the grip of sin. This mind-body automaton does what it does according to its apparent abilities and inclinations, subject to all that is unconscious about it; I am free to watch and offer whatever comment I choose, engage with the now while disentangling from false identities. I can marvel at the mystery of divine Will and thrill at the grace opportunity to actively participate and work together with it.

It is a gift to be allowed and able to write these words. It is a gift to know that I am on the way Home. It is a gift to share this little space, this passing moment, with you, my intrepid fellow traveler. Do we not take comfort and find strength in fellowship with one another?

---

It’s now several hours after I typed the words above. I was directly given an opportunity to apply some of the wisdom implicit in what I had just spelled out on screen. It’s one thing to say (or write) the words, and quite another to put the principles behind them into practice.

“Am I my brother’s keeper?”

No, we cannot control nor be held responsible for the choices of others. Yes, we are responsible for how we relate to others. Even when those others, their present circumstances and their actions in the past, trigger our defenses, fears, and judgments. We must own our defenses, fears, and judgments. They are not who we are, they are artifacts of a mind structure built up from past memories. We may have been too compassionate, too open and trusting, too willing to extend the benefit of the doubt and endless second chances, umpteenth and last chances. We got burned, bad things happened and we regretted our naïveté, resolving not to let our wide-eyed faith in others’ better nature compromise our discernment in future interactions with them.

Empathy does not require that we be a doormat for others. Willingness to help does not mean that we must acquiesce to others’ unreasonable requests. Desire to maintain good relations does not mean we must bend over backwards to please them. There are no hard and fast rules. Common sense, trusting our inner guidance, openness and sensitivity to the cues of the present moment, bringing our very best discernment to bear, and an uncompromising integrity and autonomy of self: these are our indispensable tools.

It’s easy to be too hard and close off an opportunity for genuine contact and needed assistance. It’s easy to be too soft and gullible and invite abuse. The fine line between... now that is not always so easy. Total honesty and heart-centeredness of being: these will help immeasurably.

I can feel in my body when I am missing the mark. When I feel that off-balance, uneasy sense of wrongness, I know I need to keep searching for what’s right. When I have peace and unity of mind and purpose, then I know I’m on the right track.

---

I alluded to the path of devotion in the second paragraph of this post. It is the work of a lifetime, or many lifetimes, to build up such devotion that every breath, awareness, and action is totally surrendered to a single higher purpose. I have been – however slowly and unsteadily, even faltering and straying wildly at times – in the process of cultivating devotion for a long time. I feel I have gained perhaps a centimeter of ground on that path. The intent has been there, but the conviction is so often lacking. I do not let that dishearten me. I know that every moment is a new opportunity, golden and unique. All that matters is now.

I have supremely enjoyed Les Visible’s latest transmissions. His relocation seems to be doing him a whole lot of good, now that the hurdles are past and he’s been able to focus on settling in. Here’s the one I read today, very in tune (as usual) with the symphony in play at the moment:

The Waiting Cenobites and the Beast of the Apocalypse

As much as apocalypse weighs upon my mind and upon the minds of so many others, it’s not ultimately that different a time than any other, except outwardly. The intensity cranks up, the stakes go sky-high, but the choice remains the same: where do you want to go and what are you willing to do to get there? Upon the answer to that question rests our fate, or our destiny. Let us not choose blindly. We shall see, or be made to see. What do you claim to hold to? Hold to it and see if it is what you thought it was. Or if you are what you thought you were.

Love is not required of us. Neither is wisdom. But woe to those who hanker after personal power and the things of this world, and reject both love and wisdom! Sad, too, is the way of those who claim to want love and wisdom, yet merely fool themselves and each other. Ah well, as they say, the fool who persists in his folly will be made wise. Maybe that’s what this is all about after all.

Don’t mind me. Mind yourself. (smile)

Be well, and may your acquaintance with the heart of yourself grow ever deeper.

So long,

- William

All Systems Go – I Believe In You

The following lead-in is not a final word, a definitive conclusion, or a higher ground. It is a perspective that may undo the need for personal investment in debates on the subject, while acknowledging the necessity of that debate to occur wherever it may arise.

So many religions, so many philosophies. Who’s right, who’s full of shit?

Confirmation bias is a mighty complication. Subjectivity makes one person’s savant another person’s idiot. How are we to know which ideas to follow and which to leave by the wayside?

I’m going to steal one of Matt Kahn’s riffs here. He says one of the games universe plays is “I Told You So.” You start with a belief, and universe plays it out for you on the screen of your reality: affirmation, confirmation. Then you, the center of your subjective universe, can have the satisfaction of saying, “See? I told you so!”

It’s easy to see how this lends itself to self-reinforcing, stagnant, mutually incompatible belief systems. Fortunately for those who get tired of the strife that that engenders, universe has an antidote: another game called “Hmm, Now That’s Interesting.” Letting crisis catalyze the needed shifts within you, you change your stance toward new information, get past the identification with particular beliefs, and become open to new ideas, at best without even a need to prematurely adopt or reject them. You go from rigid pedantry to an adventure of discovery.

But old habits die hard. We can still get caught up in the “who’s right, who’s full of shit” dichotomy, keep trading up to newer and better beliefs to confirm and defend, or finding thought leaders to raise up and tear down, publicly or privately.

The realization that each one of us is on a unique, tailor-made journey – intertwined with the journeys of all those with whom we come into contact – takes a lot of the pressure off: there’s less of a proselytizing / condemning savior complex and more of a mutual respect and support dynamic. What works fine and appears true for the other person right now may not be at all what you need or see at the moment and vice versa, in which case simple recognition of that fact can suffice. If you do engage in discussion, then regardless of the similarities or differences in your viewpoints, you can help the other person to correct or expand or balance their view, and they can do the same for you – provided there is a common ground of respect and openness.

All lines of inquiry lead to truth. All paths of development bring fruition.

I love encountering new ways of being, new viewpoints and information. All of it simply adds to the delightful richness of my experience, and some of it is even practically useful for me. As much as the heart revolution reveals the rightness of our path and every other path, the following of that singular, silky thread of the personal path is still a matter of honest effort and discernment, in which any and all of our faculties of mind, body, spirit and soul can and will be called forth and tested.

I often recall the message in the words of Polonius: “This above all: to thine own self be true. And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man.”

All systems go. All roads lead home. Systems come and go. Home is where the heart is.

Dvaita, advaita. Paradox. No contradiction – only complement.

Form glorifies the formless. The One sanctifies the all. The transcendent truth informs and contextualizes the cosmic dance of thought, providing sanity to the sensual and making sense of insanity.

We do what life calls us to do, no more and no less. The role we play, whether as pawns or conscious participants, in the dance of life, is our raison d’être. When our being embodies the causeless nature of the Now, we can call upon and partake of the power of intent, the eternal first cause: the Will of the I Am presence. That should be incentive enough for anyone experiencing divine discontent to strive forward in the earnest pursuit and application of perennial wisdom.

All systems go. You are the thread you must follow. Go, and don’t look back. It’s a heck of a ride, but you’ll make it through. There is no other possibility. So: choose peace, choose certainty. Choose Love, and it will thrill instead of terrify. Feel fully and you will give the greatest gift – appreciation and abandon – to the infinite aspect of your being that made it all just for you.

“You can’t go wrong, you must go right – it’s Willy Wonka’s Wonkavite!” The fountain of youth is your willingness to take each moment as it comes, your ability to bring forth the freedom contained in your innermost being.

“Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the essence of things not seen.” Even if you feel inadequate to the task, fear not. Your infinite aspect has it all in hand and is even now guiding your every thought, feeling, and movement.

These are reminders, gently appearing before you, inviting you to take them into your awareness. It is good that you read these words. It is impeccably sublime, imperative, and inevitable that they henceforth become part of the path that lies behind you, so that you can face whatever lies ahead of you. Remember if you wish, forget if you must, but know that you always have what you need.

I believe in you. How about you?

Sing That Perfection!

Living truth is as simple as counting to one.

The One reverberates against itself by mirroring into duality.

Duality is the domain of mind.

Mind is nothing more than the occurrence of thought.

Thought is light, sound, vibration.

Vibration manifests on all octaves from primal creative impulse to the multitudinousness of apparent physicality.

Physicality on all its densities is a realm of experience.

Experience is a feedback process where information cycles through faculties called the senses.

The senses’ raw output is filtered and interpreted by mental programs to create the totality of what we are conscious of.

What we are conscious of is a distilled end product of the sum total of a vast web of streaming energy in the body-mind complex.

The body-mind complex is not a separate entity; it is part of an integral whole whose reaches and depths and spans and immensities go on forever, inwardly and outwardly, in an endless playground of mind knowing itself as an extension of the One while pretending now and then not to know, veiling parts of itself from other parts of itself for the purpose of its highest expression.

The highest expression of divinity is hidden in plain sight as all the things in experience that seem not to be divinity’s perfection.

Perfection sings itself and celebrates the miracle of existence in every quark and in every cosmos, in every catastrophe and in every triumph, in every cruel and every compassionate act, in every example of idiocy and genius, in every dissonance and in every harmony, in every desolate waste and in every paradise, in every moment of a lifetime and every moment out of time, in every shadow of denial and resistance and in every shining ray of realization and remembering.

Remembering who we are is the return of our soul’s journey to this eternal celebration.

This eternal celebration is the supportive, allowing space for the breath of creation, emanating from the One Love that we are, always were, and always will be.

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To get a deeper, fuller, more rounded and grounded sense of the station that this train of thought came from, I ask you to please take an hour and twenty-three minutes of your time to take in what this lovely man has to say here.

Now you may understand why the song below is so dang catchy, and understand also why it was that I, listening to it during the end credits of The Lego Movie after taking in the movie for the fourth or fifth time in a heightened state of sensitivity, cried the living crap out of myself for the sheer emotional release of the gratitude and wonder and joy I felt at the enlightened vibes I was picking up from what I had just watched and the song I was hearing. Enjoy!

Early Risers, My Goodness Me!

I sure woke up early today. I opened my eyes and thought, “Wow, it feels like eleven o’clock.” Sure enough, I looked at my phone for the time and it was 11:00 on the dot. My wife was still sleeping soundly, and wouldn’t get up until after twelve.

Eleventh-hour early riser, that’s me. As I went about my morning routines, I gave myself over to reverie and turned it all into a kind of symbolic thing in my mind.

The eleventh-hour awakening is what’s going on now. You and me, up before the greater part of humanity, apparently, although the rising tide is quite intense by now. What to do, what to do?

One might:

check the weather,

take out the trash,

clean up yesterday’s mess,

take a shower,

walk the dogs,

make breakfast for one’s significant other,

read tea or coffee,

drink the newspaper,

take a whizz,

scratch one’s butt,

make plans for all the glorious and unglamorous things that one is obliged or inspired to do,

go wake someone else.

“Rise and shine, my love! You are so beautiful. Today is a good day.”

Take note: as in the everyday routine cycle, there is nothing ‘better’ about being awake as opposed to asleep. It doesn’t make one special or more needed. It is simply another state or condition we all go through.

What is it to be awake? We think of it, just as in the mundane sense, as meaning to abide in awareness of a more encompassing reality than the supposed dream awoken from. Certainly... perhaps. At least subjectively. But the dreamer may be dreaming something beautiful, ugly, safe, scary, transcendental, trite, exotic, familiar, important, irrelevant... anything. The point is, the dream is real to the dreamer. In your right mind, you wouldn’t invade their dream and tell them, you’re mistaken, none of this is real, you’re not really here. Of course they’re ‘here’ – for them, ‘here’ is their experience, and that is as real as it gets.

Of course, when you encounter a dreamer who desires to wake up from their dream, then what they need is to take their next step on that road, and sometimes you can help with that. Forget your need to prove the person wrong. No one needs that from you the way they might need, say, reassurance that they’re loved and OK and everything’s going to be fine. Affirmation of their inner goodness. They may simply need someone to share with, someone to support and congratulate them within their dream – not for someone to come along and invalidate their dream. That’s so very easily perceived as an invalidation of the person herself.

When you are dealing with egos, you are dealing with minefields of buried pain, where the slightest misstep can trigger an explosion. You’re much better off dealing directly with the person’s authentic self, by being your own authentic self. Vulnerable. Open. Honest. A brother or sister in the same human family. Don’t mind the ego. Know its ways, don’t play its games. You don’t have to engage it on its own terms. That’s called lowering your vibration to the lowest common denominator. That’s a losing proposition for everyone. See the goodness inside and resonate it. It may not come to the surface right away, but you’ll have engaged it. The reminding seed you’ve sown may germinate at any time.

How do you resonate a person’s inner goodness? By demonstrating your own toward them. The truth you hold so precious becomes a poisonous thorn, a bone of contention, a weapon of mass destruction when you use it as an object in your collection. Throw away your collection of truthy-truth beliefs. All you need is the living truth inside you. No words or concepts. Nothing to remember, nothing to carry with you. Just you. Just your love. Lighten the load you carry and others will find it easier to do the same.

Dream will always be with us. Whatever we experience, on any level, in whatever layer, in realm upon realm, there is only one thing we need to remember if there is to be happiness and freedom: Love is. Not these two words you just read; the living truth of it, which is inside you as your authentic being. Trust it like you would trust gravity. That’s called being grounded. There you go.

Whatever dreams may come, let us remember. If we forget, then that is only a chance to remember again. We will never come to harm, for the one who truly dreams as us dwells beyond all dreaming.