At long last! Here we are again. I'm so very glad.

Part of me felt obligated to use this time to work on translating Tapani Koivula’s UFO book Kosminen kosketus. Part of me felt reluctant, resistant to starting this, writing my own text. But asking myself what I wanted, the knowledge was deeper than any conscious thought. I want to write.

I feel my soul opening up in this medium of expression. This is what I was born to do. To let it all flow freely, to see my stream of consciousness appear on screen (or on paper). Now, to it: what shall we focus on today?

While walking today, I had the inspiration to just start speaking the truth. No longer suppressing it for the sake of an ego agenda, in the service of the prison warden of my mind, body, and soul. There is no need to try to make anything “fit” or be “right” – it already is, just as it is. The only thing holding us back from experiencing the truth of that is our unreadiness to really let go and surrender, to really trust that the universe will uphold everything without any personal effort on our part.

We can have a dialogue! I can speak with you and speak with myself – my myriad selves – all at once. This resolves the dichotomy I’ve been laboring under for so long: the tension between “should I write for myself or for others?” Nonsense. Just write!

Precisely as my inner teacher told me once when I said I was willing to hear what he had to say to me. He’d suggested I wouldn’t like it – or, rather, my small-me wouldn’t. That was a truly fruitful discussion. I had stood in front of the mirror, calmed my being, brought forth my deeper intelligence, and engaged it in conversation. It said some pleasant, vanilla things to establish its good intentions and build rapport. But to my surprise, when I asked if it had something of substance to share, it seemed thrilled… and informed me it wouldn’t be easy to take in. When I said yes, I wanted to hear what it had to say to me and I understood that I might not take it well, it paused for a pregnant moment… and out of my mouth, unbidden, came a single word: “Right.” There was a heartbeat’s delay as the message made its way through my ears to my brain, was processed and its meaning interpreted, sinking in with a sudden and deepening shock: what my brain took in was not the filler word “right,” spoken prior to delivering the actual message, but the action imperative “WRITE.”

So here I am, finally. Stopped fighting the world and myself as far as this critical point is concerned. It has taken a while for that message to be properly received and its content accepted. It is easy to nod along and seemingly agree to something in principle; it is another thing entirely to actually go ahead and put it into practice.

 

I owe a particular debt of gratitude to my ex-wife and the often very difficult years I spent together with her for preparing the way for me to step out on this road. If not for the unbearable tangle of unresolved emotions and issues that surfaced today after meeting her and her kids yesterday, I wouldn’t have gone out walking today and had such a powerful, wholehearted intention to 1. just get the truth, and 2. do it in the most loving way. When I got back, a person she and I both know from our time together had sent a message saying I’d lost all those years. I replied saying no, they weren’t lost. Everything that adds to our self-knowledge helps us. At least from the point of view of evolving our consciousness. That, I said, is the most important thing to me.

Perhaps it really is as simple as this. To just listen to what the little voice deep inside is saying. The world and our own hairless ape bodies and brains will always have their say too – but if we follow them and ignore the indwelling presence inside, forsaking the knowing it abides in, we’ll just find ourselves circling back again. I’ve run out of excuses not to do this. And I’m excited as hell to get on with it!

I look forward to meeting you here again. We shall continue these dialogues at the soonest possible juncture. (I cannot possibly think of this as a monologue – there are so many of us here with something to say and everything to hear!) Until we return, adieu and au revoir, my friends. I love you.

Energy Update - Ascension 2015

Resonating. Deep sigh of relief, so much tension has fallen away. The future is now, all open. Thanks, Matt.

Striving and breaking through: a word of encouragement for seekers

There’s no time like the present. You know why they call it the present – it comes as a gift and you have to be present to receive it.

Those are almost clichéd statements, but as is so often the case with clichés, they are also very true. We nod our heads like we know what’s being expressed and then go right on living as if we hadn’t a clue. Well, we’re not to blame. It’s the pervasive, oppressive net of crushing mental and emotional tyranny that covers our world most anywhere that’s within reach of our so-called civilization. If you don’t have a critical mass of inner certitude vis-à-vis the truth to counter its effect, you will succumb to its soul-sucking influence.

I’m going to use myself as an example today, not because I am special but because I am not. I am essentially just like you. Of course, I have my own unique set of gifts and talents – but then, so do you and so does everyone else. The only difference – if difference there be – is a matter of degree in the intensity and direction of their use. And even that’s a little bit beside the point.

I wrote a comment recently – maybe a couple of months ago – at one of Les Visible’s blogs where I said I felt like a caterpillar soon to turn pupa. This was mentioned partly in relation to the activities of reading and writing – consuming and producing content – but also meant in a general way regarding the journey of spiritual evolution. I was ravenously devouring material at the time: Matt Kahn’s work was a big one, key to the whole shift I’m going to tell you about, but I was really eating up everything that came my way and drew my interest. I was really intensive in my search; I felt the compelling need to find the missing pieces and fit them into my worldview and thinking habits, desperate for a cure for the malaise I’d been suffering more and less throughout my post-early childhood life.

With Matt Kahn’s work, I hit pay dirt. The energy I felt being conveyed in his videos was the most peaceful, sublime, nurturing, forgiving, unconditionally loving and affirming, accepting, liberating, and empowering feeling I had encountered in as far back as I could remember. No artificial syrupy sweetness, no demands or pressure, just refreshing, grounded honesty and a sense of being gently coaxed and welcomed home after a long and wearying journey. I drank in that energy like a man dying of thirst in the desert.

Finally, here was someone telling me stuff that really made a difference, that I could really put to use, both instantly and over time. The transformation inside was palpable. I began to seriously apply the teachings he offered, to meditate daily upon them while walking and doing ordinary things, and to reflect upon the things I encountered in my everyday life through the mirror of that wisdom.

It made a difference. I began to have regular peak experiences beyond anything previously available to me, realizations and even activations. I was smoking cannabis rather regularly at the time, too, and I believe that gave me a huge extra boost as well. I did not feel I was dependent on it psychologically; rather, I used it as a tool, ally and sacrament for conscious self-work and exploration. I left no room for guilt or uncertainty about using it, but set my intention to the highest good of my growth and healing, accepting whatever came with open receptivity, and maintaining clarity and groundedness as best I could in the moment without trying to control the flow of the experience from a place of fear. Control was intuitively guided and natural, simply by remaining alert and watchful of my impressions, applying whatever wisdom felt called for.

I have always had a close therapeutic relationship with this plant, ever since the first time I tried it. Yes, there have been times I naïvely, recklessly, and less-than-respectfully abused it, but those times are long over. “The path of excess leads to the tower of wisdom.” I learned, from the ass-kickings those lapses in good sense cost me, how not to use this sacred plant. So I was well equipped to benefit from its synergetic consciousness-boosting effects at this stage of my personal path. One of my friends and teachers says cannabis merely inflates the ego. I can’t disagree, but I can’t discount the positive effects I’ve experienced either. It’s a very individual thing. Set and setting. Also, what’s wrong with ego in itself? All it is is the subjectively separate mind. Why not evolve that if you can? Get it closer to alignment with the superconscious by following the intuition. Anyway, that’s my spiel on that topic for now. Moving on....

What was it that finally triggered this sudden shift just a few days ago now? My sense is that a critical mass of self-inquiry, self-work, and transmutation of energies had been attained. Also that a cosmic countdown timer with my name on it had finally run out and hit the buzzer. So the good news to take home from that is that we can expedite our own awakening and activation through some kind of consistent, sincere spiritual practice, and that the more intensely we apply ourselves, the faster it goes. The bad news – not even bad news, really – is that the timing of the actual shift is out of our hands.

In the past, I would have felt apprehension at saying something like this, for fear of jinxing the good that’s come my way, but now such thought patterns feel simply outdated and obsolete. The pupa has cracked open and the butterfly is beginning to emerge. This is a time for celebration, on my end. That’s partly why I’m sharing: it comes with the territory to want to spread the good word and radiate positive vibes to everyone I meet. The other part of the reason, as you probably know, is that this is my calling and has been for some years. Actually, as far back as I can remember, but this dedicated blogging specifically started back in 2009.

So all this is just my word of encouragement to anyone who struggles with anxiety, depression, lethargy, lack of self-confidence, addiction, or any other black swamp of that nature stretching seemingly endlessly on in their life. There comes an end to all things, even to such sorry states of mind and habits of thinking that seem to control us willy-nilly and repeatedly drive us to the edge of despair and beyond. Keep faith. Don’t lose hope. Your savior is inside, waiting to make contact. Strive to attain that connection. Do whatever it takes. Follow your intuition. Pay attention to how you feel. And, above all, forgive yourself. It is not your fault you are in this condition. It is simply the journey you are on – and there is a higher purpose to everything that happens, whether you can see it or not.

Gratitude is my watchword now. Sometimes it arises spontaneously, sometimes I have to remind myself. But it feels important, like the secret key to a further opening somewhere down the road.

Thanks for coming by. I wish you all the luck, strength, wisdom, and support you need to get through whatever it is you may be struggling with. Remember, together with me, to give thanks for all that we have received, for it is truly abundant beyond our ability to comprehend.

Namaste and happy trails,

William

The Mystical as Guiding Light

Dear friends,

Welcome.

I did not mean to keep you hanging by inviting you here some months back, writing one piece, and disappearing. My ensuing silence was, while unexpected, deliberate. I could not come here with some false pretense of writing a blog for whatever reason. I was waiting for the right moment, when I would feel that I actually had something to say that was worth hearing. I was a pupa waiting to break out of my shell at the appointed Time – unknown to me but for the fact that I felt it drawing me, calling me from my future, like a curse or inevitable prophecy too far beyond my then-known realm of experience to contemplate overmuch.

What happened that made me do this in the first place – set up this new blog? I had a peak experience. I wrote about it at the old blog. It was so wild compared to anything I’d known before, I felt like I had received an initiation, some foretaste of DNA activations to come, a test run of dormant kundalini circuits. I’m not saying what it was, because I don’t know. It passed – to my ultimate relief, though at first I hoped it would continue – but while it was still ‘on’, I submitted my request and set my intention – while feeling to be in a conscious state of sovereign authority and friendship with universe – that this “initiation” process would happen naturally, giving me enough time to integrate each activation and learn its lessons – to regain my balance – before moving on to the next.

Life went on, much the same as before. I was, familiarly, aware of a painstakingly gradual progression in my evolution through the challenges of the day-to-day, and it felt like the same uphill slog as before. Little things, maybe, were different. Just little things, subtle. Inside, in the way I approached life. Little by little, little things were happening to my awareness, just by living each day the best I could and always seeking the higher truth, the more encompassing love. Just as before.

Well, the other day, I got another boost. I have to tell you about this, because it’s not about me, it’s the principles involved. I am here to try to elucidate how it is that a person can approach their... call it awakening.

You have to want it. Really, really want it.

And then let go.

Sounds very simple – too simple, you might say. Well...

I believe in the divine. Somehow, I just do. It’s hardwired in me to begin with. Not everyone has that. But I’ve always believed... I’ve always wanted to close that gap between me and the divine. The more my awareness grew, the more I’ve been able to perceive the handiwork of the divine in my life, in the world... the more I’ve come to gradually trust in that invisible presence, that loving, intelligent power.

I have been longing for the divine all my life. Seeking it. Have I found it? That is a ridiculous question, actually. It’s not something you find. It’s something you awaken to. And no one can ever say they’ve found the divine. If it’s something you’ve found, it’s not the divine. I’m not counting Buddhas and Christs here – I don’t know what awakening is like for them, I can only speak for myself.

There are all kinds of things people confuse as being ‘God’ once they experience them... they may be pieces of that one thing, expressions of it... but the experiences are not God. God is in them, yes, but in what is God not?

It is an awakening.

I am not here to say I’m more awakened than you or anyone else. That is condescending bullshit, and has no place here. I’m not going to pretend to be enlightened or any of that crap. There is nothing that sets me apart from you. I hope that comes through, even as I share my personal thoughts and experiences.

There was a particular area of activation, a particular partial awakening, that I have felt increasingly desperately in need of. A door in my consciousness needed opening. The success of so much that I feel I must do has seemed to hinge upon that opening. Well, it came – or at least, popped by to introduce itself.

There was a strong element of masculinity to this awakening. All my life, I’ve tended not to be very manly, not very self-confident to express beyond a certain level of masculinity. All of a sudden, that way of being opened up to me, and it was new, never before felt. There was a fearless spontaneity to my every move, an ease, economy, directness, authority and assurance. There was a distinct sense of “doing what needs to be done.” No second-guessing, no hesitation, no holding back.

It felt like the most natural thing in the world to stand up for myself and my wife and not back down in the face of pressures and tactics that used to get the better of us every time. We stayed calm instead of getting worked up. The balance of power in that situation had shifted unequivocally to us.

While this experience was going on, I was at once deeper in ego and deeper in God. A strange combination, it may seem. I was both more present and more detached, more genuinely “me” and closer to the divine. This brought about its own complications, as my frankness and spontaneity led to some unintentionally sharp outbursts that I might normally have held back. It was almost like I had regressed spiritually... but I believe that this was merely due to a stripping away of a put-on “spiritual” veneer, an intellectually contrived front, laying bare the raw reality underneath. So, progress, actually: I was more in touch with who I really was, and I could maybe work on that more consciously, instead of just working on putting up a better front.

Now, this morning, I woke up after a few hours of sleep, nice and early before any need to get up. I came out of sleep into a really ecstatic state. If I were more naïvely grandiose or loose with words, I might call that an enlightened state. In light of a broader perspective I’ve been given to consider, I would lean toward calling it a mystical experience. It’s not enduring, but it definitely inspires and informs my day-to-day being. Such experiences are like interludes, reminders of the blessed realms of Home toward which I strive. They refresh, they renew hope. All the more so when they arise spontaneously, without any deliberate doing on my part or any mediation by plant allies.

Speaking of which, I must voice my reservations about seeking spiritual growth or experiences via plant mediation. It is very easy to lead oneself astray. It’s sometimes hard to be sure just how trustworthy or significant are my seeming flashes of insight or transnormal sensations while traveling in the realms I attain while high. How enduring and how positive the long-term effect after the fact. How real in terms of spiritual growth. Where is the boundary between using something as a tool, and being used by it – between conscious medicine and unconscious dependency? That is a fine line to walk, and it’s not always as easy as one might think to draw that distinction.

Last night I was feeling a bit disillusioned regarding my (moderate) use of cannabis. (My present use is incidental to my wife’s medicinal use for her multiple sclerosis. The varieties used are high in CBD/low in THC. Regardless of the theoretically possible legal repercussions, I must be open about this here so that you know where I’m coming from.) It has been a gateway to some potent experiences, including the two ‘initiations’ I’ve spoken of here. But my foremost need is to achieve the internal changes that would transform my life in concrete ways. It’s clear that by far the most important work in that regard is done through one’s conscious efforts in day-to-day life. The incremental slog, the uphill battle over years. Suffering the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune with a fortitude impervious to setbacks. Relying on the divine, tuning in to the deeper awareness in every situation. Work. Adventure. However you want to see it.

I prefer adventure. ‘Work’ carries such a negative connotation tied to wage slavery and drudgery, plagues of our modern time. Life should never be an onerous undertaking, a reluctant affair. I know it feels that way sometimes, but that’s where attitude comes in. It’s amazing how your whole experience changes when your attitude takes a turn.

I hope I didn’t miss saying something important. I think it’s all here for now. I will try to keep coming out with new posts at a decent pace from here on. It appears this particular ‘hump’ has been crested, and new vistas beckon. Thank you for coming by. See you again.

Your friend,

William