At long last! Here we are again. I'm so very glad.

Part of me felt obligated to use this time to work on translating Tapani Koivula’s UFO book Kosminen kosketus. Part of me felt reluctant, resistant to starting this, writing my own text. But asking myself what I wanted, the knowledge was deeper than any conscious thought. I want to write.

I feel my soul opening up in this medium of expression. This is what I was born to do. To let it all flow freely, to see my stream of consciousness appear on screen (or on paper). Now, to it: what shall we focus on today?

While walking today, I had the inspiration to just start speaking the truth. No longer suppressing it for the sake of an ego agenda, in the service of the prison warden of my mind, body, and soul. There is no need to try to make anything “fit” or be “right” – it already is, just as it is. The only thing holding us back from experiencing the truth of that is our unreadiness to really let go and surrender, to really trust that the universe will uphold everything without any personal effort on our part.

We can have a dialogue! I can speak with you and speak with myself – my myriad selves – all at once. This resolves the dichotomy I’ve been laboring under for so long: the tension between “should I write for myself or for others?” Nonsense. Just write!

Precisely as my inner teacher told me once when I said I was willing to hear what he had to say to me. He’d suggested I wouldn’t like it – or, rather, my small-me wouldn’t. That was a truly fruitful discussion. I had stood in front of the mirror, calmed my being, brought forth my deeper intelligence, and engaged it in conversation. It said some pleasant, vanilla things to establish its good intentions and build rapport. But to my surprise, when I asked if it had something of substance to share, it seemed thrilled… and informed me it wouldn’t be easy to take in. When I said yes, I wanted to hear what it had to say to me and I understood that I might not take it well, it paused for a pregnant moment… and out of my mouth, unbidden, came a single word: “Right.” There was a heartbeat’s delay as the message made its way through my ears to my brain, was processed and its meaning interpreted, sinking in with a sudden and deepening shock: what my brain took in was not the filler word “right,” spoken prior to delivering the actual message, but the action imperative “WRITE.”

So here I am, finally. Stopped fighting the world and myself as far as this critical point is concerned. It has taken a while for that message to be properly received and its content accepted. It is easy to nod along and seemingly agree to something in principle; it is another thing entirely to actually go ahead and put it into practice.

 

I owe a particular debt of gratitude to my ex-wife and the often very difficult years I spent together with her for preparing the way for me to step out on this road. If not for the unbearable tangle of unresolved emotions and issues that surfaced today after meeting her and her kids yesterday, I wouldn’t have gone out walking today and had such a powerful, wholehearted intention to 1. just get the truth, and 2. do it in the most loving way. When I got back, a person she and I both know from our time together had sent a message saying I’d lost all those years. I replied saying no, they weren’t lost. Everything that adds to our self-knowledge helps us. At least from the point of view of evolving our consciousness. That, I said, is the most important thing to me.

Perhaps it really is as simple as this. To just listen to what the little voice deep inside is saying. The world and our own hairless ape bodies and brains will always have their say too – but if we follow them and ignore the indwelling presence inside, forsaking the knowing it abides in, we’ll just find ourselves circling back again. I’ve run out of excuses not to do this. And I’m excited as hell to get on with it!

I look forward to meeting you here again. We shall continue these dialogues at the soonest possible juncture. (I cannot possibly think of this as a monologue – there are so many of us here with something to say and everything to hear!) Until we return, adieu and au revoir, my friends. I love you.

Disturbed – The Sound of Silence (432 Hz)

core of cosmic tragedy

cause of founding agony

body, soul, and spirit split

brothers made strangers

islands of burning anguish

in a sea of cold indifference

you do not feel

your pain is too great

I tell you, walking dead one

yet the life within you cries out

for remembrance

only to be heard

through the sound of silence

Hello darkness, my old friend
I've come to talk with you again
Because a vision softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was sleeping
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence

In restless dreams I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone
'Neath the halo of a street lamp
I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light
That split the night
And touched the sound of silence

And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more
People talking without speaking
People hearing without listening
People writing songs that voices never share
And no one dared
Disturb the sound of silence

Fools, said I, you do not know
Silence like a cancer grows
Hear my words that I might teach you
Take my arms that I might reach you
But my words, like silent raindrops fell
And echoed in the wells of silence

And the people bowed and prayed
To the neon god they made
And the sign flashed out its warning
In the words that it was forming
And the sign said, the words of the prophets are written on the subway walls
And tenement halls
And whispered in the sounds of silence