The Folly of Blame

You were the fallen one I blamed

Irredeemable, offensive to my heart

A splinter in my mind, abhorrent to my eyes

Your mere existence torturing my own

Out of my need to annihilate you

To wipe my world clean of you

And thus achieve utopia

A world liberated from the memory of you

I birthed a scheme: a drastic plan

A solution final, terrible and cold

And so I summoned by my Will alone

A Portal dark and fascinating overhead

A hole in heaven, beyond which lay

Dimensions distant, utter Hell

The regions where abominations dwell

A place for all the things that never should have been

For rejects of creation, by wholesome eyes unseen

My heart I sent to lie in wait for you

The bait I set just past the threshold

Instantly it took a form grotesque

And yet my machination held, I would not yield

So rigid was my Will to see this horror through

But oh! did fear and consternation strike

When, step by step, the mouth of Hell

Did swallow up my heart instead

And with each step, a path was forged

For unforgiving souls to blindly follow in my wake

And only once the realization came

As I lay gasping at the knowledge of my doom

Was all of it dissolved, another dream

To show me: I am Will, the world my mirror

And you and I shall never parted be

By knowing what perdition means

I am not fixed, nor are my debts released

But in the grace of loving kindness held

My heart can feel how liberation flows

And when the poison turns to nectar

Even monsters make their journey home

No Substitute for Safety for the Innocence Within

Navigating the sea of paradoxes that is our human life is a task for which the programming we took on in our developmental years can hardly be said to equip us well. I speak for those of us whose parents were not saints and paragons of angelic virtue. Who found ourselves surrounded by a profoundly sick society and adjusted our identities accordingly to cope and achieve a semblance of functionality. When the wind blows in our favor, it seems all is well, relatively speaking. But duality being what it is, the opposite of smooth sailing also takes effect in turn, and it seems we find ourselves struggling to make any kind of headway, or even to keep our little boat from taking us further from our destination than we were before.

And what might that destination be? To anyone who has spent long enough drifting on these shifting waves and currents, it is the thought of terra firma that calls to us in our hearts. The shore of peace, where storms may rage, but never unroot us from our deep, abiding connection with the Permanent. The journey, we learn, is not to somewhere out there, to some literal mythic utopia of ultimate satisfaction that, mirage-like, ever recedes and eludes our reach… but inward to the essence of Self, beyond conception, beyond labels and divisions and judgments. Beyond hope and fear, desire and revulsion, subject and object.

We can form a concept of this transcendent Self and it too becomes reified, fetishized, an object of pursuit. Our egoic operating system adopts and incorporates the concepts of spirituality into its existing dynamic and bends them to its purpose of perpetuating the illusion on which it is based. We can observe this at play in the subtly toxic games engaged in by those who identify as spiritual. It is all too tempting and easy, inevitable even, that we try to attain or seize that tantalizing Thing using all the methods at our disposal. To storm the gates of Heaven. There will be no shortage of opportunities offered to that end. And all set up to produce the result we unconsciously need: disappointment and disillusionment.

Of course, since we already are the true Self, experiences partaking of Its nature will spontaneously arise in our awareness wherever they are not blocked by hypnotic entrancement into the dualistic dreamworld of ego identity – the matrix. It is in fact our entire underlying reality and even – hard as it may be to accept – gives rise to the matrix overlay. It is the Source of all that is. We have created and voluntarily inhabit our own prison. And yet some part of awareness is always free. It is the part that remembers, however dimly, who we really are.

In meditation, we may try to cultivate that remembrance. To turn attention inward toward the silent Source of thought and emotion. This can be a training, a preparation, for awakening. When the distinction between Doing and Being disappears, awareness aligns with itself and, through unknowing, knows itself as One.

13 minute read: What is Spiritual Oneness (or “Wholeness”)? by Mateo Sol

2 minute read: How to Survive the Pit of Despair by Diana C. Pitaru, M.S., L.P.C.

All this high-level talk becomes useless and irrelevant, however, in moments when we find ourselves deeply enmeshed and hopelessly stuck in a state of suffering. When our wounded inner child has given up knocking at our door and has smashed its way in to demand our full attention. In its desperation, when all else has failed, it stops our entire world and we face the impossibility of going on. Our fantasies revolve around images of a bullet to the brain, a chemical ender of the vital functions, a noose around the neck, a sudden meeting with the ground after a great fall. We know not how to bear to live, to carry on. The force of our inner hell has overwhelmed us. And it need not even be so drastic. The escalation into crisis is only to make us fully aware of the blockage that was already there, to put an end to our bypassing it.

What was it that was blocked and why did we keep it that way? Pain is what it was and the lack of love extended to the one who was in pain is why. This may not be a perfect answer, but it’s the one I’m seeing now in my own experience. It was the fear of having to go through that pain, the fear that we wouldn’t be OK if we did. It was the lack of safety, acceptance and self-worth that we internalized from our early experiences of the tragic limits of our parents’ wisdom and capacity to extend unconditional love to our child selves. Now that we are grown up, we have the chance to expand those limits and clear the emotional debris that resulted from our unmet needs.

How can we do this? It can be very simple. We create a space of love for the child to safely go through whatever it needs to go through. A space to Be where the context is of unconditional support, safety and acceptance. We imagine the divine Parent, an embrace of infinite love and caring. We can rest in that embrace and cry all our pain out of our suffering heart. Finally allow that weight to be lifted from us in a sacred exchange of gifts. Through feeling our pain, we pass the information of that experience on through our soul, surrendering it to the Spirit. In return, Spirit and soul are restored to our conscious being. The human vessel lightens and clears, leaving room for more refined, expansive energies to flow where held pain once resided. A greater coherence, balance, and stability arise from the death of the old configuration and rebirth into the new. And the soul is one step closer to its eternal destiny as a conscious expression of God, co-creating and intimately connected with the totality of creation.

Keeping it simple here boss, never mind the fancy jibber-jabber. It’s all in good faith and good fun, easy come easy go. May Love endure through and in spite of everything. Ciao my friends, and bon voyage mes amis. Thank you for this moment. May you go in peace.

The crucial role of will (and bonus 4th Commandment self-wizardry!)

The world is the world.

Every creature plays its part.

I have believed I could play mine on my own terms.

Earn a separate merit for myself,

play with fire and burn in secret shame.

For so long I have played this game

Of serving two masters, lived that untenable lie.

And I can still, for like us all

I have the gift of free will

To do precisely as I desire.

Everywhere I look, the demonstration is on display

Of the outworking of universal law.

The results of choices are as they must be,

Good begetting the good and bad bringing forth the bad

On the evolutionary experiential path of the soul.

A small sin leads to another

And ere long they form a chain

That weighs me down and rattles in rebuke.

I am not that chain, yet I carry it

And cannot unmake it.

All I can do is bear the consequences

And, by my will, repent and come again

Before the presence of the holy flame

In recognition of the one true Name

With contrite heart sincere, stripped bare

To give up my error to be consumed.

Is this a game as well? I wonder.

Am I addicted to feeling bad and small?

Perhaps, if I go on repeating the same old pattern.

Affirming conviction in the mind alone

Is not enough to stop the cycle,

For the underworld of unknown psychic forces

Overpowers a vacillating will with trifling ease.

There is a Will beyond that will

Which desires to come into union with it

But depends upon the free will choice of the mortal being

For its method and the duration of the process of drawing it in.

The human will has no relief from responsibility;

It is always free, and that extends of course

To the liberty to make excuses and so prolong indefinitely

Its coming back to sober remembrance of itself and the truth

And the blessed, rigorous path of ascension

Which leads to eternal life and the promise of heaven,

Ever-unfolding majesties of experience,

Ever-increasing virtue and happiness,

Ever-new invigorating challenges to rise to,

All the great gifts of the houses of the family of God.

Honor thy Father and thy Mother,

That it may be well with thee

And thou mayest live long on the earth.

The principles and polarities of creation:

Spirit and matter,

Will and wisdom,

The yang electric and the yin magnetic,

Idea and form.

The spiritual lineages of our cosmic progenitors

Vibrationally encoded within our being.

The supernal Father on high

And the planetary animal Mother that bears us in this and every precious moment.

I have clearly overworked that last bit in an escalating fit of vain pretentiousness, trying, trying so hard while really just compulsively escaping from the potent, immediate reality of the prayerful state that set this stream of words in motion to begin with… and from my body’s constant complaint as to why the fuck I am still up and on the computer at five in the morning when it needs proper, regular sleep to function well – so I have actually been disrespecting both Father and Mother and I find this highly ironic to say the least. Maybe I will learn to write something more useful in a more wholesome way someday. I find myself idly hoping so. One thing’s for sure: not writing is the only certain way to never get closer to achieving that. (grin) Honestly, I enjoy doing this so much that only the amnesia of that enjoyment can explain why I don’t do it way more. Although the possibility occurs to me just now while finalizing the post that I may just be indulging in the narcissistic tendency referred to as masturbation… a valid concern. It also occurs to me that self-pleasuring can be a wholesome activity if used well! And whatever is in error will be corrected in due course, given the sincere desire of the heart toward what is good and right.

Adios and onward, friends! See you next time.

The last mile

At rest, turning inward

Withdrawing belief from the thought of separation

All dimensions collapse into one dimensionless here-now-being

What is breathed but the stuff of eternity

Channeled through a passing form?

The revelation of our common essence, boundless, intertwined

Forms like dewdrops shimmering under the radiant moon

Precipitating through the matrix of reality

Like milk from the eternal Mother’s breast

To nourish you, her child, on your soul’s journey of growth

The vessel that carries your point of awareness

Is contained within awareness

A part of creation here to host a part of the creator

Awakened, you partake of your totality

And are overtaken by waves of overflowing gratitude and praise for all!

All the treasures of the tendermost Heart of reality

Are yours to discover in these inner realms

That open ceaselessly and multiply their blessingness

As you freely give of the abundance that you are

And close that final gap between receiver and the Source

As human beings, we are here to shine for one another

Every shock and inconvenience in the world

Another chance to let go of the attachment to appearances

And dive within to reunite with our precious pearl of peace

And let things play out as is the wont of their perfection

Your reality reflects your state of being

Your suffering begs you to come back home again

To yourself, the vastness holding time and space

Where singularity extends and fractalizes out

To make this wonder of a Technicolor world

What makes anything true… is you

What you choose to feel… becomes the real

You are the magic, you are the life

So spend the present as you will

And know yourself… or be made to know… the game is rigged. ;)

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Today’s lines owe their existence to the excellent and groundbreaking work of Dr Joe Dispenza (particularly this YouTube video), which inspired me in the midst of a very difficult time of intense victim thoughts to stop, quiet down, draw from the well, and bring something through that last mile of personal consciousness interweb connection by actually sitting down and setting hand to keyboard. It’s a start. I’m really grateful to have this chance. I don’t even care if what I wrote is any good. It came from my heart, and the feeling of creative flow was very much its own reward. Not to mention how incredibly good it felt to make live contact with the deeper currents of reality… from which I eagerly anticipate bringing lots more goodies forward!

I hope you have a great day. I love you.

At long last! Here we are again. I'm so very glad.

Part of me felt obligated to use this time to work on translating Tapani Koivula’s UFO book Kosminen kosketus. Part of me felt reluctant, resistant to starting this, writing my own text. But asking myself what I wanted, the knowledge was deeper than any conscious thought. I want to write.

I feel my soul opening up in this medium of expression. This is what I was born to do. To let it all flow freely, to see my stream of consciousness appear on screen (or on paper). Now, to it: what shall we focus on today?

While walking today, I had the inspiration to just start speaking the truth. No longer suppressing it for the sake of an ego agenda, in the service of the prison warden of my mind, body, and soul. There is no need to try to make anything “fit” or be “right” – it already is, just as it is. The only thing holding us back from experiencing the truth of that is our unreadiness to really let go and surrender, to really trust that the universe will uphold everything without any personal effort on our part.

We can have a dialogue! I can speak with you and speak with myself – my myriad selves – all at once. This resolves the dichotomy I’ve been laboring under for so long: the tension between “should I write for myself or for others?” Nonsense. Just write!

Precisely as my inner teacher told me once when I said I was willing to hear what he had to say to me. He’d suggested I wouldn’t like it – or, rather, my small-me wouldn’t. That was a truly fruitful discussion. I had stood in front of the mirror, calmed my being, brought forth my deeper intelligence, and engaged it in conversation. It said some pleasant, vanilla things to establish its good intentions and build rapport. But to my surprise, when I asked if it had something of substance to share, it seemed thrilled… and informed me it wouldn’t be easy to take in. When I said yes, I wanted to hear what it had to say to me and I understood that I might not take it well, it paused for a pregnant moment… and out of my mouth, unbidden, came a single word: “Right.” There was a heartbeat’s delay as the message made its way through my ears to my brain, was processed and its meaning interpreted, sinking in with a sudden and deepening shock: what my brain took in was not the filler word “right,” spoken prior to delivering the actual message, but the action imperative “WRITE.”

So here I am, finally. Stopped fighting the world and myself as far as this critical point is concerned. It has taken a while for that message to be properly received and its content accepted. It is easy to nod along and seemingly agree to something in principle; it is another thing entirely to actually go ahead and put it into practice.

 

I owe a particular debt of gratitude to my ex-wife and the often very difficult years I spent together with her for preparing the way for me to step out on this road. If not for the unbearable tangle of unresolved emotions and issues that surfaced today after meeting her and her kids yesterday, I wouldn’t have gone out walking today and had such a powerful, wholehearted intention to 1. just get the truth, and 2. do it in the most loving way. When I got back, a person she and I both know from our time together had sent a message saying I’d lost all those years. I replied saying no, they weren’t lost. Everything that adds to our self-knowledge helps us. At least from the point of view of evolving our consciousness. That, I said, is the most important thing to me.

Perhaps it really is as simple as this. To just listen to what the little voice deep inside is saying. The world and our own hairless ape bodies and brains will always have their say too – but if we follow them and ignore the indwelling presence inside, forsaking the knowing it abides in, we’ll just find ourselves circling back again. I’ve run out of excuses not to do this. And I’m excited as hell to get on with it!

I look forward to meeting you here again. We shall continue these dialogues at the soonest possible juncture. (I cannot possibly think of this as a monologue – there are so many of us here with something to say and everything to hear!) Until we return, adieu and au revoir, my friends. I love you.

Visiting Home

the world is always ending

and always being born anew

simultaneously saturated with meaning

and free of set interpretation

feel the overwhelming intensity of fullness

and rest in the vast, primordial emptiness

be at one with the waves and the ocean floor

let the scent of eternity reveal this moment’s priceless reality

complete unto itself, yet layered, interwoven,

interpenetrating every moment in the fabric of totality

the warming suchness of a fire crackling in the stove

the electric pinpoint radiance of little incandescent lights

the dark, cool breath of the spacious outside air

and the deep, bracing chill of the river gurgling past

a moment to sit and let feelings precipitate into words

a moment to appreciate this gift of life

without expectation or encumbrance

a moment to settle into the symphony of the senses

and wonder at this grand mystery of ultimate simplicity

on a quiet Wednesday morning in my parents’ homely house

on the threshold of ancient Lapland

just before the season’s longest night

and the Sun’s most dearly welcome journey back

towards the magical promise of Midsummer

Mandara – A Troubled Soul

Feel what longs to be felt . . .

Our depression and discontent
that we so desperately try to escape
through diversions of every kind
are speaking to us, carrying a message from our past.

They are the only clue we have
to the trauma embedded so far beneath
the preoccupations of our day-to-day awareness
that it sends back only its outermost layers of coping
to spike through into our lives.

Unconscious, we suffer and barely know it.

Eventually, the sense of wrongness grows too strong to ignore
and we are compelled to a more purposeful search
for its source and reason,
for why it persists,
and for its potential cure.

Others have trod this path before me
and shared what they have found.

They tell tales too similar for coincidence,
all seeming to fit together somehow.

Even those whose probing seems
to have left deeper, more personal and painful depths unplumbed
tell of things that fit into an overarching image of the whole
as detail, context… and mythic parable.

In my moments of deepest clarity, I find
that I cannot but perceive
that all is myth, all is parable,
and creation exists to mirror our endless quest
to know what it is we are
and what it is we are not.

Harrowing tales have been told,
tragedies most profound,
of loss too great to comprehend,
of injustice and calamity and abuse,
complicity and self-betrayal, lies upon lies
an interminable hell of stagnation
inside a mirrored hypercube of digitally-coded light
that simulates the real but can never deliver it.

We know we are meant to live free,
to enjoy co-existence and expansion
through creative immersion and challenge
and cross-pollination and co-operation
and unexpected novel forms
in an innocent and mutually honoring play of exploration,
yet here we are, conditioned beyond all recognition,
transformed into impotent marionettes
whose free will and awareness remain alive enough
to sustain the beast,
yet caged and diminished so as not to escape its control.

We are more than these dream characters in a holographic play.

We may be anchored to these forms while they live and breathe,
but we are not limited to the narrow band of possibility
afforded by their crudest capabilities,
the ones our culture tells us are the ones that matter.

What happened to our capacity to feel,
to empathize with our fellow beings,
to be fully present in the richness and vitality
of the holy communion of the now?

These things have been hidden and stolen away from us
by stealth and coercion and distraction,
numbed out of us through trauma
and post-traumatic stress survival mode.

Feel more, stress less.

Breathe, stretch, relax, let tension melt away.

Allow all feelings to wash over you as they will.

Forgive every less-than-loving thought;
they are only thoughts in a quantum sea of all possible thoughts,
attracted into awareness by the magnetism of past conditioning,
and communicate nothing of the true quality of who we are.

Feel,
forgive,
strive for growth,
let go of pretense.

Abide in the unshakable knowing-sense – gnosis – of your innermost being.

You are eternal.

You are boundless.

You are all-powerful.

You are infinitely caring and loving and kind.

Your alignment is impeccable and immovable.

Your wisdom sees through everything.

Your experience is a sampling of all this
through the instrument of a discrete being in time and space
voluntarily open to distortion and limitation.

All these qualities are your birthright.

Discern through feeling
what is and what is not of your divine nature.

Align your will to embody what resonates as true.

This is your gift and service to the whole.

Thank you.