Part of me felt obligated to use this time to work on
translating Tapani Koivula’s UFO book Kosminen kosketus. Part of me felt reluctant,
resistant to starting this, writing my own text. But asking myself
what I wanted, the knowledge was deeper than any conscious thought. I
want to write.
I feel my soul opening up in this medium of
expression. This is what I was born to do. To let it all flow freely,
to see my stream of consciousness appear on screen (or on paper).
Now, to it: what shall we focus on today?
While walking today, I had the inspiration to just
start speaking the truth. No longer suppressing it for the sake of an
ego agenda, in the service of the prison warden of my mind, body, and
soul. There is no need to try to make anything “fit” or be
“right” – it already is, just as it is. The only thing holding
us back from experiencing the truth of that is our unreadiness to
really let go and surrender, to really trust that the universe will
uphold everything without any personal effort on our part.
We can have a dialogue! I can speak with you and
speak with myself – my myriad selves – all at once. This resolves
the dichotomy I’ve been laboring under for so long: the tension
between “should I write for myself or for others?” Nonsense. Just
write!
Precisely as my inner teacher told me once when I
said I was willing to hear what he had to say to me. He’d suggested
I wouldn’t like it – or, rather, my small-me wouldn’t. That was
a truly fruitful discussion. I had stood in front of the mirror,
calmed my being, brought forth my deeper intelligence, and engaged it
in conversation. It said some pleasant, vanilla things to establish
its good intentions and build rapport. But to my surprise, when I
asked if it had something of substance to share, it seemed thrilled…
and informed me it wouldn’t be easy to take in. When I said yes, I
wanted to hear what it had to say to me and I understood that I might
not take it well, it paused for a pregnant moment… and out of my
mouth, unbidden, came a single word: “Right.” There was a
heartbeat’s delay as the message made its way through my ears to my
brain, was processed and its meaning interpreted, sinking in with a
sudden and deepening shock: what my brain took in was not the filler
word “right,” spoken prior to delivering the actual message, but
the action imperative “WRITE.”
So here I am, finally. Stopped fighting the world and
myself as far as this critical point is concerned. It has taken a
while for that message to be properly received and its content
accepted. It is easy to nod along and seemingly agree to something in
principle; it is another thing entirely to actually go ahead and put
it into practice.
I owe a particular debt of gratitude to my ex-wife
and the often very difficult years I spent together with her for
preparing the way for me to step out on this road. If not for the
unbearable tangle of unresolved emotions and issues that surfaced
today after meeting her and her kids yesterday, I wouldn’t have
gone out walking today and had such a powerful, wholehearted
intention to 1. just get the truth, and 2. do it in the most
loving way. When I got back, a person she and I both know from our
time together had sent a message saying I’d lost all those years. I
replied saying no, they weren’t lost. Everything that adds to our
self-knowledge helps us. At least from the point of view of evolving
our consciousness. That, I said, is the most important thing to me.
Perhaps it really is as simple as this. To just
listen to what the little voice deep inside is saying. The world and
our own hairless ape bodies and brains will always have their say too
– but if we follow them and ignore the indwelling presence inside,
forsaking the knowing it abides in, we’ll just find ourselves
circling back again. I’ve run out of excuses not to do this. And
I’m excited as hell to get on with it!
I look forward to meeting you here again. We shall
continue these dialogues at the soonest possible juncture. (I cannot
possibly think of this as a monologue – there are so many of us
here with something to say and everything to hear!) Until we return,
adieu and au revoir, my friends. I love you.
