Dear friends,
Welcome.
I did not mean to keep you hanging by
inviting you here some months back, writing one piece, and
disappearing. My ensuing silence was, while unexpected, deliberate. I
could not come here with some false pretense of writing a blog for
whatever reason. I was waiting for the right moment, when I would
feel that I actually had something to say that was worth hearing. I
was a pupa waiting to break out of my shell at the appointed Time –
unknown to me but for the fact that I felt it drawing me, calling me
from my future, like a curse or inevitable prophecy too far beyond my
then-known realm of experience to contemplate overmuch.
What happened that made me do this in
the first place – set up this new blog? I had a peak experience. I
wrote about it at the old blog. It was so wild compared to anything
I’d known before, I felt like I had received an initiation, some
foretaste of DNA activations to come, a test run of dormant
kundalini circuits. I’m not saying what it was, because I don’t
know. It passed – to my ultimate relief, though at first I hoped it
would continue – but while it was still ‘on’, I submitted my
request and set my intention – while feeling to be in a conscious
state of sovereign authority and friendship with universe – that
this “initiation” process would happen naturally, giving me
enough time to integrate each activation and learn its lessons – to
regain my balance – before moving on to the next.
Life went on, much the same as before.
I was, familiarly, aware of a painstakingly gradual progression in my
evolution through the challenges of the day-to-day, and it felt like
the same uphill slog as before. Little things, maybe, were different.
Just little things, subtle. Inside, in the way I approached life.
Little by little, little things were happening to my awareness, just
by living each day the best I could and always seeking the higher
truth, the more encompassing love. Just as before.
Well, the other day, I got another
boost. I have to tell you about this, because it’s not about me,
it’s the principles involved. I am here to try to elucidate how it
is that a person can approach their... call it awakening.
You have to want it. Really, really
want it.
And then let go.
Sounds very simple – too simple, you
might say. Well...
I believe in the divine. Somehow, I
just do. It’s hardwired in me to begin with. Not everyone has that.
But I’ve always believed... I’ve always wanted to close that gap
between me and the divine. The more my awareness grew, the more I’ve
been able to perceive the handiwork of the divine in my life, in the
world... the more I’ve come to gradually trust in that invisible
presence, that loving, intelligent power.
I have been longing for the divine all
my life. Seeking it. Have I found it? That is a ridiculous question,
actually. It’s not something you find. It’s something you awaken
to. And no one can ever say they’ve found the divine. If it’s
something you’ve found, it’s not the divine. I’m not counting
Buddhas and Christs here – I don’t know what awakening is like
for them, I can only speak for myself.
There are all kinds of things people
confuse as being ‘God’ once they experience them... they may be
pieces of that one thing, expressions of it... but the experiences
are not God. God is in them, yes, but in what is God not?
It is an awakening.
I am not here to say I’m more
awakened than you or anyone else. That is condescending bullshit, and
has no place here. I’m not going to pretend to be enlightened or
any of that crap. There is nothing that sets me apart from you. I
hope that comes through, even as I share my personal thoughts and
experiences.
There was a particular area of
activation, a particular partial awakening, that I have felt
increasingly desperately in need of. A door in my consciousness
needed opening. The success of so much that I feel I must do has
seemed to hinge upon that opening. Well, it came – or at least,
popped by to introduce itself.
There was a strong element of
masculinity to this awakening. All my life, I’ve tended not to be
very manly, not very self-confident to express beyond a certain level
of masculinity. All of a sudden, that way of being opened up to me,
and it was new, never before felt. There was a fearless spontaneity
to my every move, an ease, economy, directness, authority and
assurance. There was a distinct sense of “doing what needs to be
done.” No second-guessing, no hesitation, no holding back.
It felt like the most natural thing in
the world to stand up for myself and my wife and not back down in the
face of pressures and tactics that used to get the better of us every
time. We stayed calm instead of getting worked up. The balance of
power in that situation had shifted unequivocally to us.
While this experience was going on, I
was at once deeper in ego and deeper in God. A strange combination,
it may seem. I was both more present and more detached, more
genuinely “me” and closer to the divine. This brought about its
own complications, as my frankness and spontaneity led to some
unintentionally sharp outbursts that I might normally have held back.
It was almost like I had regressed spiritually... but I believe that
this was merely due to a stripping away of a put-on “spiritual”
veneer, an intellectually contrived front, laying bare the raw
reality underneath. So, progress, actually: I was more in touch with
who I really was, and I could maybe work on that more consciously,
instead of just working on putting up a better front.
Now, this morning, I woke up after a
few hours of sleep, nice and early before any need to get up. I came
out of sleep into a really ecstatic state. If I were more naïvely
grandiose or loose with words, I might call that an enlightened
state. In light of a broader perspective I’ve been given to
consider, I would lean toward calling it a mystical experience. It’s
not enduring, but it definitely inspires and informs my day-to-day
being. Such experiences are like interludes, reminders of the blessed
realms of Home toward which I strive. They refresh, they renew hope.
All the more so when they arise spontaneously, without any deliberate
doing on my part or any mediation by plant allies.
Speaking of which, I must voice my
reservations about seeking spiritual growth or experiences via plant
mediation. It is very easy to lead oneself astray. It’s sometimes
hard to be sure just how trustworthy or significant are my seeming
flashes of insight or transnormal sensations while traveling in the
realms I attain while high. How enduring and how positive the
long-term effect after the fact. How real in terms of spiritual
growth. Where is the boundary between using something as a tool, and
being used by it – between conscious medicine and unconscious
dependency? That is a fine line to walk, and it’s not always as
easy as one might think to draw that distinction.
Last night I was feeling a bit
disillusioned regarding my (moderate) use of cannabis. (My present use is incidental to my wife’s medicinal use for her multiple sclerosis. The varieties used are high in CBD/low in THC. Regardless of the theoretically possible legal repercussions, I must be open about this here so that you know where I’m coming from.) It has
been a gateway to some potent experiences, including the two
‘initiations’ I’ve spoken of here. But my foremost need is to
achieve the internal changes that would transform my life in concrete
ways. It’s clear that by far the most important work in that regard
is done through one’s conscious efforts in day-to-day life. The
incremental slog, the uphill battle over years. Suffering the slings
and arrows of outrageous fortune with a fortitude impervious to
setbacks. Relying on the divine, tuning in to the deeper awareness in
every situation. Work. Adventure. However you want to see it.
I prefer adventure. ‘Work’ carries
such a negative connotation tied to wage slavery and drudgery,
plagues of our modern time. Life should never be an onerous
undertaking, a reluctant affair. I know it feels that way sometimes,
but that’s where attitude comes in. It’s amazing how your whole
experience changes when your attitude takes a turn.
I hope I didn’t miss saying something
important. I think it’s all here for now. I will try to keep coming
out with new posts at a decent pace from here on. It appears this
particular ‘hump’ has been crested, and new vistas beckon. Thank
you for coming by. See you again.
Your friend,
William
