Feeling into my
orientation, I sense an attraction to letting the gravity well take
me, suck me down into the black hole of… non-existence?
The negative form of
surrender… capitulation to the Thanatos?
And yet both Eros
and Thanatos exist in me, I also feel the desire to live and express…
There is a sense
that Thanatos will have me in the end anyway and therefore it’s
pointless to strive for anything in this world…
And yet the little
Alan Watts -inspired voice is saying, Yes, of course it’s all
pointless, of course your life in this form will end soon… but why
define meaning based on that? That’s the real tragedy, to miss the
opportunity to make something wonderful out of life, to use what
we’ve been given to create something really worthwhile in the
moment, with the knowledge of its impermanence only heightening its
preciousness, spurring us on to realize ever greater richness of
experience, of depth of meaning…
There always comes a
point, a limit in these mental speculations, where it feels
incredibly stupid to keep obsessing over thoughts of how it is or how
it should be, to keep these wheels spinning, creating nothing of real
value… like the fiat currency conjured out of thin air whose value
is completely fictional, abstract, but for the fact that it’s used
in the real world to make actual things happen… a kind of magic, if
you will, based on belief, investment of power in symbols…
I will never be
happy unless I am engaged with the ecosystem of life, giving who I am
as an individual to the social body of humanity in a positive way…
serving something larger than myself. That is ultimately what
provides purpose and meaning to this existence. We are here for each
other.
Each loving
interaction with another being – or with some part of myself – affirms the
value of life, of our being, infuses us with an energy that comes
from the very wellspring of who we are, the Yes to the great question
always before us… feeds our souls the manna they need to stay
healthy and grow. Without love, we wither and diminish, sliding
endlessly towards death, the great spiritual death where the juice is
sucked out and all joy is forgotten…
Chutes and ladders.
This gravity of Thanatos is the great sacrifice of our transcendent
Self, to offer the counter-option against which Life is defined.
There is ultimately no harm done by choosing the dark side – and
what horrors the divine Being goes through when it does! These
horrors we all face on some level, being all of us touched by that
force. Even the wisest and most integrated beings know Hell, in fact
they know it the most intimately of all. And yet what makes them so
wise and whole and balanced is their deep-rootedness in both the
Beyond and in the matrix of existence… They are so finely and
completely connected on every level, only harmony can exist within
their sphere… to the point where they go beyond harmony per se,
integrating even all disharmonies into a greater unity, allowing the
dark to perform its role and function, as it commands the right to do
as empowered by the choices of sovereign beings…
I think it not
arrogance or folly to consider each of us a child of God, equal with
God – and not equal in the obviously fallacious sense, but equal in
terms of having just as much right to choose and just as much right
to be recognized as being one with the I Am. On the contrary, it is
the only sane and sensible way to perceive this multiplicity of
beings – not accounting for the right of every being to disagree if
they so choose and to experience that belief as their reality, even
to deem that view the pinnacle of sanity and sensibility in their
eyes.
I find there is a
constant in all of this exploration: the consistent need to go beyond
what has gone before. There is no arrival, only forward motion. And
that is a beautiful thing, as much as it can be terrible. We know not
what tomorrow brings, only that it will come.
The Course in
Miracles -pseudoeducated spiritual ego voice is smugly scoffing a
little at the idea of a tomorrow, earning a disgusted look from the
practical ego. Now, now, children. We all need to learn to work
together.
It evidently pleases
me to feel broken and manifest a broken puppet as my avatar. It’s
so nice out here in Victimland, I got all this company even! See, we
can all complain and commiserate together and blame the world for our
problems. Or just shit on ourselves and drown in self-hate. Yummy!
It’s a pity party! So much easier than shouldering any
responsibility.
Mirthless cackling.
Responsibility, you dirty old devil. Sitting there, waiting for me to
get with the program. Well, I ain’t goin’ nowhere. Imma stay
right here, bro. Just to piss you off. Yeah, I’m spiteful. I’m a
victim!
Gag. Holy shit, what
a hellish scene. Are we gonna keep watching this flick? Seriously,
dude. It’s getting fucking old, and I’m not getting any younger,
you know what I mean?
I got an idea. Let’s
just sit here and let everything be. Fuggedaboudit. Just let it be.
Settle into this space right here. Breathe. Let it all come in, let
it all go out. Mmmmmmm. This is where it’s at! Everything’s right
here! Wow, let’s chill here for a bit…
