I am very reluctant to share my weaker, more vulnerable moments even with people who are close to me. I have times when I withdraw completely into my shell. I have been in that state now for four days: not leaving the house, not talking to anyone, just keeping myself occupied with mass Internet / movie / TV intake and drifting on a sea of inner turbulence while doing little or nothing to steady it, find my anchor, get back on the horse. Powerful thoughts and emotions arise, but am I channelling them in a healthy way? I've been running from myself in a manner all too familiar from decades of mental and emotional fragmentation. I get the high highs and the low lows. Been psychiatrically assessed as borderline bipolar, just shy of a clinical diagnosis.
I need to find a way to self-correct these wild swings. Something deep inside me has yet to stand up and invite the warring inner factions to a round table where all can be heard and accepted. Trying to rule one's self as a dictatorship leads to disaster. It's just one persona after another setting the agenda while the others wait for their chance or plot their coup.
I fear both success and failure. I fear both life and death. Sitting in this black hole of fear and self-inflicted misery seems easier than manning up. Is there a way out? I intuit that the only solution lies at the center. Inward. Where everything meets and relative truths implode into the singularity of consciousness.
The world is in crisis. We who feel that crisis on a personal level are responsible for our part in resolving it. But to attempt to resolve it without first resolving our root conflict is a circular path. The linear notion is that this is something we will do once and everything will be peachy from then on out. No. The quantum understanding says that there is no incremental path to peace, no future time point of resolution to hope, wait, and prepare for. The only peace is the one we already have within, timelessly waiting for our wandering attention to stop seeking it out as if it were beyond us, as if we lacked it, to just settle in and make contact.
This is it. This is all there is. Just the now moment and the eternal choice to accept or reject. To abide in peace or perpetuate war. To let the current of life carry us or seek in some way to control it.
We are Breath. Rising, falling. Expanding, contracting. Ever new. Ever present. No agenda. Just in and out. Rhythm. Pulse. Zero point extending in time and space in a dynamic designed for one thing: the exploration of experience. To have our experience rooted in the knowledge of what lies beyond experience, we are called to go ever deeper into peace, into breath, into Being.
Thank you for breathing with me. We are separate in form and experience, but one in the great Breath of Life.