I did not mean to keep you hanging by inviting you here some months back, writing one piece, and disappearing. My ensuing silence was, while unexpected, deliberate. I could not come here with some false pretense of writing a blog for whatever reason. I was waiting for the right moment, when I would feel that I actually had something to say that was worth hearing. I was a pupa waiting to break out of my shell at the appointed Time – unknown to me but for the fact that I felt it drawing me, calling me from my future, like a curse or inevitable prophecy too far beyond my then-known realm of experience to contemplate overmuch.
What happened that made me do this in the first place – set up this new blog? I had a peak experience. I wrote about it at the old blog. It was so wild compared to anything I’d known before, I felt like I had received an initiation, some foretaste of DNA activations to come, a test run of dormant kundalini circuits. I’m not saying what it was, because I don’t know. It passed – to my ultimate relief, though at first I hoped it would continue – but while it was still ‘on’, I submitted my request and set my intention – while feeling to be in a conscious state of sovereign authority and friendship with universe – that this “initiation” process would happen naturally, giving me enough time to integrate each activation and learn its lessons – to regain my balance – before moving on to the next.
Life went on, much the same as before. I was, familiarly, aware of a painstakingly gradual progression in my evolution through the challenges of the day-to-day, and it felt like the same uphill slog as before. Little things, maybe, were different. Just little things, subtle. Inside, in the way I approached life. Little by little, little things were happening to my awareness, just by living each day the best I could and always seeking the higher truth, the more encompassing love. Just as before.
Well, the other day, I got another boost. I have to tell you about this, because it’s not about me, it’s the principles involved. I am here to try to elucidate how it is that a person can approach their... call it awakening.
You have to want it. Really, really want it.
And then let go.
Sounds very simple – too simple, you might say. Well...
I believe in the divine. Somehow, I just do. It’s hardwired in me to begin with. Not everyone has that. But I’ve always believed... I’ve always wanted to close that gap between me and the divine. The more my awareness grew, the more I’ve been able to perceive the handiwork of the divine in my life, in the world... the more I’ve come to gradually trust in that invisible presence, that loving, intelligent power.
I have been longing for the divine all my life. Seeking it. Have I found it? That is a ridiculous question, actually. It’s not something you find. It’s something you awaken to. And no one can ever say they’ve found the divine. If it’s something you’ve found, it’s not the divine. I’m not counting Buddhas and Christs here – I don’t know what awakening is like for them, I can only speak for myself.
There are all kinds of things people confuse as being ‘God’ once they experience them... they may be pieces of that one thing, expressions of it... but the experiences are not God. God is in them, yes, but in what is God not?
It is an awakening.
I am not here to say I’m more awakened than you or anyone else. That is condescending bullshit, and has no place here. I’m not going to pretend to be enlightened or any of that crap. There is nothing that sets me apart from you. I hope that comes through, even as I share my personal thoughts and experiences.
There was a particular area of activation, a particular partial awakening, that I have felt increasingly desperately in need of. A door in my consciousness needed opening. The success of so much that I feel I must do has seemed to hinge upon that opening. Well, it came – or at least, popped by to introduce itself.
There was a strong element of masculinity to this awakening. All my life, I’ve tended not to be very manly, not very self-confident to express beyond a certain level of masculinity. All of a sudden, that way of being opened up to me, and it was new, never before felt. There was a fearless spontaneity to my every move, an ease, economy, directness, authority and assurance. There was a distinct sense of “doing what needs to be done.” No second-guessing, no hesitation, no holding back.
It felt like the most natural thing in the world to stand up for myself and my wife and not back down in the face of pressures and tactics that used to get the better of us every time. We stayed calm instead of getting worked up. The balance of power in that situation had shifted unequivocally to us.
While this experience was going on, I was at once deeper in ego and deeper in God. A strange combination, it may seem. I was both more present and more detached, more genuinely “me” and closer to the divine. This brought about its own complications, as my frankness and spontaneity led to some unintentionally sharp outbursts that I might normally have held back. It was almost like I had regressed spiritually... but I believe that this was merely due to a stripping away of a put-on “spiritual” veneer, an intellectually contrived front, laying bare the raw reality underneath. So, progress, actually: I was more in touch with who I really was, and I could maybe work on that more consciously, instead of just working on putting up a better front.
Now, this morning, I woke up after a few hours of sleep, nice and early before any need to get up. I came out of sleep into a really ecstatic state. If I were more naïvely grandiose or loose with words, I might call that an enlightened state. In light of a broader perspective I’ve been given to consider, I would lean toward calling it a mystical experience. It’s not enduring, but it definitely inspires and informs my day-to-day being. Such experiences are like interludes, reminders of the blessed realms of Home toward which I strive. They refresh, they renew hope. All the more so when they arise spontaneously, without any deliberate doing on my part or any mediation by plant allies.
Speaking of which, I must voice my reservations about seeking spiritual growth or experiences via plant mediation. It is very easy to lead oneself astray. It’s sometimes hard to be sure just how trustworthy or significant are my seeming flashes of insight or transnormal sensations while traveling in the realms I attain while high. How enduring and how positive the long-term effect after the fact. How real in terms of spiritual growth. Where is the boundary between using something as a tool, and being used by it – between conscious medicine and unconscious dependency? That is a fine line to walk, and it’s not always as easy as one might think to draw that distinction.
Last night I was feeling a bit disillusioned regarding my (moderate) use of cannabis. (My present use is incidental to my wife’s medicinal use for her multiple sclerosis. The varieties used are high in CBD/low in THC. Regardless of the theoretically possible legal repercussions, I must be open about this here so that you know where I’m coming from.) It has been a gateway to some potent experiences, including the two ‘initiations’ I’ve spoken of here. But my foremost need is to achieve the internal changes that would transform my life in concrete ways. It’s clear that by far the most important work in that regard is done through one’s conscious efforts in day-to-day life. The incremental slog, the uphill battle over years. Suffering the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune with a fortitude impervious to setbacks. Relying on the divine, tuning in to the deeper awareness in every situation. Work. Adventure. However you want to see it.
I prefer adventure. ‘Work’ carries such a negative connotation tied to wage slavery and drudgery, plagues of our modern time. Life should never be an onerous undertaking, a reluctant affair. I know it feels that way sometimes, but that’s where attitude comes in. It’s amazing how your whole experience changes when your attitude takes a turn.
I hope I didn’t miss saying something important. I think it’s all here for now. I will try to keep coming out with new posts at a decent pace from here on. It appears this particular ‘hump’ has been crested, and new vistas beckon. Thank you for coming by. See you again.